Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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