hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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