im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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