Swine flu is the new snow day.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
