can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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