did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
