i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
