Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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