the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
