i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
