if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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