Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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