I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
