When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wear drunk well.
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