everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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