I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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