New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
