I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
