I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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