god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
