i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
