All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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