he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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