Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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