I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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