go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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