I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
