3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
