Whod you bang
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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