Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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