brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
