just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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