my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
