i was born a porn star she said
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize