I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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