Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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