I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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