You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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