Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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