i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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