Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
