All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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