went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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