took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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