Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The air was thick with penises
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
