He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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