you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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