Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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