I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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