Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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