the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
