some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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