Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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