Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
