you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Girls should come with a carfax report
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
