On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you win again, gameday.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
