im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
