Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
