Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
