I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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