let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
