Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
