Can i not drive my cunt home
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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